One thing I know for sure is that everyone loves free stuff. It doesn’t matter how old you are or who you are if you can get something for free or feel like you’re getting a real bargain no matter what it is it’s about 73.8% more appealing. For me, I love trying new things and when I can try new experiences and not have to pay exuberant amounts of money I’m quite a happy camper. Which brings me to one of my go tos when I’m mindlessly scrolling on my phone…Groupon. 

Not only can you find things like steak knives, mattress covers, or hair extensions you can also get discounted prices from stores for services that they offer. Some of these are too tempting to resist which has left me with some interesting experiences like awkward acupuncture treatments, poorly done pedicures, and one experience in particular that I don’t think I’d ever been able to forget- an irresistible 65% off Groupon for a 90-minute session in a sensory deprivation chamber. 

In complete transparency as someone that has struggled with Anxiety you can only imagine the rabbit trails and Google responses you can find when you search- “how to stop feeling crazy.” One of the conclusions the genius mind-meld of the internet gave me was to try a session in a sensory deprivation chamber to “connect with the inner me.” This was one of the more tame suggestions and with 65% off I thought there wasn’t a good reason to not try it.

To paint the scene for what you have to do after you purchase your Groupon you have to schedule a time with this “studio” in order for your tank to be ready and waiting for you. They ask that you get there a minimum of 15 minutes before so they can walk you through the entire process. I figured this was unnecessary because I mean I’ve used a tanning bed before so how different could they be? When I arrived I walked into a little storefront filled with water fountains, atypical elevator music, and an overly cheerful smile on the women behind the front desk eagerly awaiting to greet me. 

She took me back to this little closet where there was barely any room for both of us to stand and still be able to move around. To the right was a showerhead and a drain on the floor which was apparently to be used before and after you get in the chamber. Yes, I totally went on a mental tangent while she was discussing safety procedures after she started with what must have been a long list that they needed to legally disclose to void any liability. I mean every time she said the word chamber as I stood in this tiny closet space my Harry Potter geekiness came out. This was like entering your very own Chamber of Secrets, except the secrets being revealed are your own.  

So, once I returned to reality the women opened up this metal door that took up the whole space directly in front of where we were standing. When opened you could see that you would step into the tank that was filled with highly concentrated saltwater that was surrounded by black walls. Once in the tank, you would close the door and be immediately thrown into pitch-black cutting off your sense of sight. Then lowering yourself into the saltwater you would lose your sense of touch as you float in the saltwater bath. With the dense water swirling around you and the noise-canceling paneling you would be cut off from your sense of hearing. Left completely and utterly alone with yourself. Sounds relaxing right?

I’ll admit for the first 20 minutes the whole experience was pretty trippy. I’d open and close my eyes convinced that this time I’d be able to make something out in the darkness. I’d cough or make some sort of noise and wonder if they could secretly hear me in the next room over. I’d swirl my hands around in this concoction of salt and feel the grains against my skin. It was pretty cool sitting there thinking about whatever popped up in my mind while I tried to trick myself into thinking that when I opened my eyes this time I’d be able to make out something. 

I think for a small portion I might have fallen asleep because when I woke up I will admit that I kinda freaked out forgetting where I was. While I tipped over in the water trying to remember that yes I was VOLUNTARILY in this giant black hole of a tank I swallowed saltwater. Gagging as I coughed up more sodium than I probably ingest in a day I opened the door to the tank and stuck my head out as if “fresh air” was going to solve this entire experience. 

With the light from the door ajar I saw just how small this space actually was. That should have been comforting, but as I closed the door after seeing that I was only 45 minutes into my 90-minute session I started to think of how small this space really was. It wasn’t so much a tank as a potential floating coffin. I noticed how no one obviously heard me choking on this saltwater that I just drank. Saltwater that I know was hoping wasn’t mixed with something toxic. Not being able to the edges I moved over so I could feel the rim of the wall somehow thinking that this would make me feel better.

It didn’t. Now slightly claustrophobic and wondering what sort of toxin could be in this salt mixture and whether I needed to WebMD this when I got out my brain went from blissful relaxation to hypervigilant. Trying to get my mind off my current situation my imagination gladly offered up a highlight reel of all these other embarrassing situations from middle school, high school, and college that I had hoped to never revisit. When you are “trapped” in a small pitch-black box with nothing and no one but yourself you start to realize that there are a lot of spaces and places in your mind that you must actively choose to ignore or avoid on a daily basis. With all this free “me” time on my hands those places that were not given the attention, they felt that they deserved decided that right now was the time that they wanted to be addressed. 

I ended up outside the tank wrapped in my towel staring at the clock. I still had 25 more minutes of this stupid pre-paid session. I wasn’t getting back in that sadistic psycho-analyzing tank of death again. So I made the determination that I would sit there on this fold-up chair in my towel and wait out the remaining portion of my session until I could leave and never go back into that black hole. 25 minutes, then 20 it felt like time was mocking me. With 10 minutes left I felt like I could justify getting “into” the little shower area to rinse off the rest of the stupid salt and get redressed. 

Now sitting in my sweats my hair dripping down my back I waited. 5 minutes, 3 minutes, until blissfully the tank started an eerily “cheerful” musical medley letting me know that my session had sadly come to an end. Well before the music was over I had gathered up my stuff and was out of there and wasn’t looking back. The eager woman at the counter was standing right outside my door (again this place was like a bad horror movie) holding a bottle of water and a smile. She asked me how my time of “self-reflection” went. I told her that it went fine and she guided me to her front desk to set up my next appointment. 

Making some excuse that I didn’t have my calendar on me I told her I would call and set up my next time. Yeah right maybe over my dead body but how do you say that without sounding like a crazy person. The moment I walked out of that storefront and climbed in my car I locked the doors and just sat. It was quiet but there was the noise of the passing cars still slightly audible. It was nice. I was alone but not isolated. With only my thoughts but easily able to be drowned out with the increase of my stereo volume. 

I might like free stuff, I might be a sucker for a good deal, but today I felt like Groupon failed me. There should have been a warning label- only purchase this Groupon if you are either a masochist or if you are 100% emotionally stable otherwise you will revisit all of your childhood trauma and embarrassment free of no additional charge. Because in that Chamber for those 90 minutes there are no masks, no places to hide, just you, some saltwater, and all of your secrets.